You know sometimes I wonder from the reactions of guys I liked if I am completely deranged, with my habit of writing a lot of what I think down, even when maybe these guys would rather not read it. Maybe because at a certain point it goes in many directions and noone can see where it goes (I am convinced of the logic on the moment... but later...). Maybe because it tells too much of a suffering I don't know myself where it begins, where it ends, if it is even real anymore (because I'd rather not be unhappy, it is clear to me that anyone has only one chance of life and better has to use it with positive thinking and living).

It is not a nice feeling.

It really bothers me. It hurts me even.

Because there is a point I reach where I don't know how and where to stop, and as a consequence I loose people in my life that would have made it really much more interesting.

I try to forget this nagging feeling but it very soon comes back. I don't really know how to shake it down.

Maybe one cannot have everything. Maybe one cannot always be right. Maybe what's right always stays somewhere in the middle, and you can't know it on your own.

The result of this habit is that I also hide a lot of who I am, as a person who feels something (talking isn't really a problem anymore, when people do listen), being enormously cautious if I just "made a mistake".

And I can feel it I am very much afraid right now to take too much risks with new people. As if I've been too fast before in a moment of hallelujah and now I am afraid that this pattern will go over and over with everyone I meet. People discovering by knowing me that I am so un-interesting or difficult in the lasting.

There is also that phantom trauma with my dad that still hasn't got its closure. As it is a phantom, I don't know what's really real in it. Maybe the path of imagining it very strongly made it real somehow. I am not angry with him. Not any more. I don't really want a real discussion with him about it either I think. I am too afraid for that. He isn't ready. It is too dangerous just to say anything like : "I felt...". He would become very defensive, silent, perhaps even violent. I just chose to let it go, and I am fine with it. Letting it go, it is the best way.

But meeting someone romantically is still a whole lot an anguish : I just can't bare physically the idea someone will leave me (for good), even if I made so much reasoning about it. Some people chose to leave me just in bits, leaving something there. Sometimes I think it's better, and I love those bits very much. Sometimes I feel like it makes me dream my life more than living it, because the threads can feel so thin. In the end I see myself as a lunatic, inventing everything in my life, nothing really existing as I know it, understand or want to aknowledge.

I don't invent everything. I am not that crazy.

But, I wonder, how much crazy am I ? And who really thinks I am without telling me ?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDRNluWAnGE&list=RDMM&index=22&ab_channel=ClaraYs%C3%A9